Game Reviews

Velocibox Review: Because Life Just Isn’t Hard Enough

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Quick Take: Velocibox may very well be the most difficult game we have ever played, and we finished Superman 64.

Velocibox, from Shawn Beck Games and published by Loot Interactive hates you. It hates me. It hates all of humanity, and whatever we collectively did to piss it off, we apologize.

The premise is deceptively simple: traverse a fast-paced corridor lined with obstacles and reach the end of the eighth level. But the rub comes from the fact that there is no pattern to memorize, and no way to adjust the speed. Velocibox starts you up and then proceeds to let the player die over and over and over again, with someone on the other end presumably laughing at our folly. At least I hope that’s what’s happening, because I cannot think of any other reason to decimate gamers like this.

The music is pulse-pounding techno, which is cool, and the minimilistic stylings are a ruse, drawn to make you think this might be easy, even after dying 30 consecutive times within the first few seconds of gameplay, if you are lucky.

Velocibox Review

Now, we know there are people out there who like to be punished. How else would TLC still continue to be a TV network? But Velocibox does it so unapologetically, that a half-an-hour will go by before you realize that you haven’t even got off the first level. Luckily, the sadist designers of the game have done away with any load screens, so seconds after you die, you are once again going (and dying again). Supposedly, there are over 18 levels (eight to start, and more presumably unlock) in Velocibox, but you will never see them all. And there is even a Super Velocibox mode, because shooting a nail gun into your temple over and over can get messy.

Velocibox Review

Velocibox is available on the Playstation 4 with a cross-buy to the PS Vita, in case you like your sadism mobile. One issue I have is that for a game this difficult, even with the simple premise and game design, the price is a little high at just over $12. PlayStation Plus members can pick it up for $9.99, but be warned — if this review wasn’t enough — Velocibox is excruciatingly difficult and you will, after a few hours of watching your little orange box die, begin to curse not only in your native tongue, but the tongues of languages you may have never learned.

This may very well be the hardest game I have ever played, and while I keep trying over and over with the same result — which is the dictionary definition of insanity, by the way — I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I will never see the later levels, and have, in no way, earned any right to play Super Velocibox. And I’m actually glad for that. I love my family and friends, and this game made even harder could lead to me doing some very bad things.

Velocibox is available now in the Playstation Store. This review is based off a download code provided by Loot Interactive.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 5

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